Ok, so you're all clued up on what to do with those precious trinkets left behind after a messy breakup, but where do you go from there? Right here, that's where.
We've all trawled the internet in the empty hours after a breakup and typed things into google that we're not altogether proud of. From childish innocence when searching ''ex + revenge'', ramping it up a bit as the night goes on to ''ex + physical + pain'' and then to the peak of your delirious and unrealistic hopes, ''ex + maimed + while you watch''. I'll say it again, we've all been there...
The point of all this drivel is that you're likely to have come across websites that have been set up to pray on the poor broken hearts and bulging pockets of the recently and unceremoniously dumped (left lifeless, slimy and altogether cadaverous, but that's totally not their fault). These websites deal in human suffering and misguided emotion, but its all built on the currency of lies, as well as a partially operational barter system of hope... Or so I've been told.
For the reasonable price of $10 - 20 you can have an anonymous letter and 'tailor-made' package sent to your ex on your behalf. Brilliant, I know. I mean it's obvious that it's from someone that's really angry at them, and from the letter it's clear that it's been sent by someone they've recently broken up with, but they don't ACTUALLY know who. So basically you have the opportunity to spend more money on some deadbeat asshole and then they get to tell everyone they know about what a psycho you are. Peace of mind is just around the corner!
What makes matters worse is the lameness of these 'tailor-made' packages. For example The 'Body Odor' package contains a bar of soap and a can of deodorant, the 'Always Late' package contains a watch (sweet, a free watch!) and the 'Dead Fish' package is just a dead bloody fish. Lame! OK the fish one is pretty good, but the point is that you can do so much better! So I'm here to ease you into it with a few suggestions for D.I.Y packages that will actually get you somewhere in getting over the douchebag/bagess in your life that will actually get you somewhere in getting over the douchebag/bagess in your life. We'll work through it over a few installments, here's just a taste...
The 'Your Mom's Dead' Package (Nice version)
This one only works if your ex's mom is still alive. The more this mom is adored by your until-recently-beloved the better. The letter is quite simple and just explains to your ex in no uncertain terms that their mother has just passed away. Choose the cause of death carefully to make it more believable based on your personal situation. For example ''killed by a pack of hungry wolves'' gets a big reaction, no doubt, but could leave your ex unconvinced which undermines the ultimate pay-off. Also, if you have access to human body parts these can be included to corroborate the story. In these cases be careful to get a good skin/hair match - I'd even suggest that the expense of a good hair colorist or tanning salon can be invaluable in the long run. This kind of package is pretty disturbing and should leave your ex feeling a little bit the way you felt when they gave you the big news. Mission Accomplished!
The 'Your Mom's Dead' Package (Naughty Version)
So this is for people who are looking for more than just temporary relief through the suffering of their ex. It goes much the same as the one above except you include an item in the package that actually comes from their mom, to make it all the more believable. Make sure it's something that they'll recognise immediately like a ring or brooch, or even something more personal such as a lock of hair or ring finger... Did I mention with this version that you actually kill their mom? That's kind of like the punchline of this one - i know, gold. But only use this one in extreme circumstances, seriously.
The 'Your Mom's Dead' Package (Already Dead Version)
I mentioned earlier that the previous two packages are only useful if your ex's mom is alive, which holds true. But that doesn't mean that this avenue is completely shut off to you. When the mom in question has beaten you to the post and died long before you even thought to torture their offspring this package can capitalise on those latent feelings of abandonment that your ex still carries around. I find that this letter is most effective when written from the point of the deceased matriarch and includes phrases such as ''to the most undeserving and unloved child this world has ever known'', also good are ''only you had the power to save my life'' and ''the only consolation I keep is that one day you too will burn in hell''. Now I know that I seem to go on about the inclusion of body parts but I really do recommend it with this one - I mean if you were really that close to your ex then you must know at least which cemetery she's buried in, easy!
Well that's it for now, stay tuned for more soon, and keep that bitter passion alight!
Exen Hexen
