Real Talk with T-Dub

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Signed, sealed & delivered.... actually skip the signed bit...

Ok, so you're all clued up on what to do with those precious trinkets left behind after a messy breakup, but where do you go from there? Right here, that's where.

We've all trawled the internet in the empty hours after a breakup and typed things into google that we're not altogether proud of. From childish innocence when searching ''ex + revenge'', ramping it up a bit as the night goes on to ''ex + physical + pain'' and then to the peak of your delirious and unrealistic hopes, ''ex + maimed + while you watch''. I'll say it again, we've all been there...

The point of all this drivel is that you're likely to have come across websites that have been set up to pray on the poor broken hearts and bulging pockets of the recently and unceremoniously dumped (left lifeless, slimy and altogether cadaverous, but that's totally not their fault). These websites deal in human suffering and misguided emotion, but its all built on the currency of lies, as well as a partially operational barter system of hope... Or so I've been told.

For the reasonable price of $10 - 20 you can have an anonymous letter and 'tailor-made' package sent to your ex on your behalf. Brilliant, I know. I mean it's obvious that it's from someone that's really angry at them, and from the letter it's clear that it's been sent by someone they've recently broken up with, but they don't ACTUALLY know who. So basically you have the opportunity to spend more money on some deadbeat asshole and then they get to tell everyone they know about what a psycho you are. Peace of mind is just around the corner!

What makes matters worse is the lameness of these 'tailor-made' packages. For example The 'Body Odor' package contains a bar of soap and a can of deodorant, the 'Always Late' package contains a watch (sweet, a free watch!) and the 'Dead Fish' package is just a dead bloody fish. Lame! OK the fish one is pretty good, but the point is that you can do so much better! So I'm here to ease you into it with a few suggestions for D.I.Y packages that will actually get you somewhere in getting over the douchebag/bagess in your life that will actually get you somewhere in getting over the douchebag/bagess in your life. We'll work through it over a few installments, here's just a taste...

The 'Your Mom's Dead' Package (Nice version)

This one only works if your ex's mom is still alive. The more this mom is adored by your until-recently-beloved the better. The letter is quite simple and just explains to your ex in no uncertain terms that their mother has just passed away. Choose the cause of death carefully to make it more believable based on your personal situation. For example ''killed by a pack of hungry wolves'' gets a big reaction, no doubt, but could leave your ex unconvinced which undermines the ultimate pay-off. Also, if you have access to human body parts these can be included to corroborate the story. In these cases be careful to get a good skin/hair match - I'd even suggest that the expense of a good hair colorist or tanning salon can be invaluable in the long run. This kind of package is pretty disturbing and should leave your ex feeling a little bit the way you felt when they gave you the big news. Mission Accomplished!

The 'Your Mom's Dead' Package (Naughty Version)

So this is for people who are looking for more than just temporary relief through the suffering of their ex. It goes much the same as the one above except you include an item in the package that actually comes from their mom, to make it all the more believable. Make sure it's something that they'll recognise immediately like a ring or brooch, or even something more personal such as a lock of hair or ring finger... Did I mention with this version that you actually kill their mom? That's kind of like the punchline of this one - i know, gold. But only use this one in extreme circumstances, seriously.

The 'Your Mom's Dead' Package (Already Dead Version)

I mentioned earlier that the previous two packages are only useful if your ex's mom is alive, which holds true. But that doesn't mean that this avenue is completely shut off to you. When the mom in question has beaten you to the post and died long before you even thought to torture their offspring this package can capitalise on those latent feelings of abandonment that your ex still carries around. I find that this letter is most effective when written from the point of the deceased matriarch and includes phrases such as ''to the most undeserving and unloved child this world has ever known'', also good are ''only you had the power to save my life'' and ''the only consolation I keep is that one day you too will burn in hell''. Now I know that I seem to go on about the inclusion of body parts but I really do recommend it with this one - I mean if you were really that close to your ex then you must know at least which cemetery she's buried in, easy!

Well that's it for now, stay tuned for more soon, and keep that bitter passion alight!

Exen Hexen

Ring-a-Ding-Ding

It's common for a couple to exchange rings, or some other wearable object of monetary and/or sentimental value, yet it is just as common for such a couple to split and find themselves holding a little thing that no longer brings those feelings of comfort and trust. For those in possession of this source of the most vile emotional pain, this post is for you.

Note:  This post is written with the person who is at the losing side of the break-up in mind. Those who have broken up in an equivocal way will probably find this less useful than those who have been screwed over by their ex.

•Related Break-up Tip: Don't wear the ring to the break-up.  Of course, if you're doing the breaking you probably couldn't care less if they ask for it back, but if you are possibly on the other side of the table then this is relevant.  If you get the "we need to talk" call, or feel a break-up vibe coming from your significant other, simply don't wear it to the next meeting or any of the next few times together.  In such a situation, they might ask to have it back, and you would be forced into a lose-lose situation where you're bound to come off as a coward or a total asshole.  You might also be tempted to use it as emotional leverage to sway them back into your arms, but the chances of success for such a move are slim.  Just don't wear it!  You have better uses for it, trust me. Plus, even if they don't ask for it back at the moment, you'll be tempted to throw it violently in his/her face as a dramatic way of saying "fuck you".  Although this may give you a temporary feeling of relief, it is ultimately a rash and misguided action.  Again, you have better uses for this object, so just don't wear it to the break-up if possible.

-The following sections will detail options of what to do with your newly found piece of distaste.  While I specifically use the word "ring" here, please feel free to apply the following techniques to necklaces, earrings or other piercing jewelry, and other applicable objects.  The first section outlines "practical" ways of disposing with your ring, the second is for purely "cathartic" purposes, and the third section is for those who want to act in a utterly "evil" manner.

Practical:

1. Save it and give it to your next love.  Of course this is hard to imagine from a position of feeling rejected and pathetic, but the next fish will eventually bite onto your line, trust me.  This tactic requires a lot of patience and discipline, but in the end there is a possible huge pay-off waiting.  Just imagine when you meet your ex on the street with your new sweetheart.  Your ex sees the ring on their finger, but is way too shocked to say anything.  How big of a bitch-slap is that?  Plus, you save money on having to buy a new ring.

2.  Pawn it off.  This really only applies to those who are wearing precious metals or jewels.  Think of all the money you spent on that piece-of-shit ex.  All of the gifts, all of the dinners, the clothes, everything.  Now, wouldn't it be nice to liquidate this little asset of yours.  Gain a bit of cash and expunge the painful memories at the same time.  Sounds good to me.

3.  Save it.  When peak-oil comes and the shit hits the fan, you won't be regretting having a small bit of gold or silver in your hands.  Trade it for some petroleum and get you and your 2001 Ford Taurus to the hills.  Bunker down and think about how your ex is going to be cannibalized by packs of petroleum hungry zombies.

Cathartic:

4.  Cut it up and scatter it.  Nothing says "this relationship is dead to me" like a funeral-esque ritual.  Chop that thing up and scatter it at a place of mutual significance.  It will be out of your sight and you'll take comfort in knowing that the remains have been dealt with meaningfully.

5.  Flush it down the toilet.  This is another way of getting the ring out-of-sight and out-of-mind.  Just drop it in, press the lever, and say "good bye" to your pain.  Put this symbol of your ex in its proper place: the sewer.

Evil:

6.  Make him/her eat it.  Now this may sound weird and impossible, but its not.  All you need to do is bake some cookies or brownies and put the ring inside.  Pack them up and send them to him/her in a package labeled with his/her parents' return address.  Naturally, he/she might not end up swallowing the ring, but at the very least they will probably bust their teeth on it.  Ouch! Take comfort in their pain.

7.  Send a doo-doo package.  This is the most complicated, but also the most malicious way to show them that they're nothing but a piece of "shit" to you.  First, swallow the ring (don't swallow anything with sharp edges or cut jewels, only fairly smooth rings), then wait a day or two until the thing comes out.  You'll probably feel it coming out, but nonetheless, you need to keep a close eye on your bowel movements to make sure that you don't flush the package down the toilet.  Once it comes, put it in a plastic bag and make sure that the ring is inside.  Then, surround it in plastic wrap and drop it in a box with a lot of perfume scented tissue paper.  Send it off and wait for an angry email several days later.  Tip: Make sure to eat lots of pungent foods, like garlic and onions, before and after swallowing the ring.

I hope you've found these ideas useful in dealing with your break-up accrued jewelry.  It is hard to deal with rejection and humiliation, but know that there is always a productive way to deal with it.  Don't be hasty.  Take some time and find which method is going to suit your needs.